I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
