I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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