he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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