Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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