she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
