both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
