Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
