I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
