Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
