just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
