I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
