Christians are straight up FREAKS
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
