you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
