I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
