Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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