I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
