new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
