I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
