Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
