3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I am morally bankrupt
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
