Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
