this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Life is so much better after having sex.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
