I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
