I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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