she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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