I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
