All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
