I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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