If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
