my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
