Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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