pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
