Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
