When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
