she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
