my mouth tastes like poor choices
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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