i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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