so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
