my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
