god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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