areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
