Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
