my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
