dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
