I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
