I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
