Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
