I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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