Tell her she can't have a vagina
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
