please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
